Me vs Me

I was in a crappy state of mind the last two days. All alone in the house, the thoughts just overloaded..I seemed to walk down the lane of all the years gone by…


How much I’ve changed, seriously, in beliefs, habits , attitude, take on life, friends and things in general…

I used to be a happy loner, now I dread staying alone(ok dread is an exaggeration but i dn't like it for sure)…I used to be a dreamer, an unprecedented one at that!!!..but now i'm not sure...I disregarded the rat race and loved the idea of doing things that i was passionate about, things that i really wanted...I was an innocent, naïve optimist…and now it all seems very distant. Yes, I fell in the trap…I embraced mediocrity and shunned the possibilities and let faith flow out of me…I became what they call ‘practical’. Think from the head and not your heart. In the battle though, heart always had an edge and I despised it for that. And all alone there, I was thinking what have mood swings made out of me! I am so unstable with my emotions…and somewhere, I’ve even lost touch with the real Neha, or somewhere,somehow the ties have weakened…

I want to get her back...I want to live for bigger and better things...I want my dreams back..I want to make a choice of doing those things that add more to my life...i just want to go back to be the girl i once was!!!

There and back

As the saying goes; ‘journey matters and not the destination’. But we do acknowledge, anticipate or apprehend the nature of the destination and to say the least, believe in its existence. And in the heart of hearts even look forward to one, rather optimistically.

Yet sometimes, there isn’t any. It’s an unknown road which comes back in a U-turn…
It’s not a rosy one for once. It neither has well laid directions. It is packed with confusions, misunderstood signs, and baseless predictions. It’s an expedition that one may even discard as a complete waste of time, or  one may even never feel like undertaking. It guarantees nothing. It demands nothing. It’s up for acceptance as well as rejection. It exists as an option, disguises as a compulsion and is bound to be revisited in retrospection. It’s just a choice you make.


Even when you know it’s a dead end ahead, sometimes, you just have to travel all the way, to be there by yourself and to come back, all by yourself.

To come back, to yourself...

**SURPRISE**

Ok...now this is really unexpected...i can REALLY REALLY access my blog here in Infy..:):)
Hmm...technically i should have a lot to write about at this point of time...as everone says i am into the next phase of my life...and i guess i do have lots to write but somehow again the words seem to be betraying me...
So, how have these 2 months and 7 days been????
Hmm...to be true, it doesn't really feel like its already been this long...well, i guess the infy people really know how to keep you busy enough so you do not come to know about the passage of time..and plus the weather here  just adds on, you hardly see a change in it anyday...every single day its the same hot sunny day here:(:(...oh gosh!!! i  miss the winters back home...
Do i like it here??? I think i like it in parts...there are times when i like this place..and then there are times that make me wonder why...But all in all i'm kind of settled here..ok Infy you'll have to bear me for a year...
This place is teaching me a lot of things..teaching me a lot about people, about relationships, about changes you have to face as life goes on...Personally, i have realized accepting changes is not at all easy for me(especially if it concerns people)...but it has also taught me that changes are a part of life...its a pretty stupid notion to keep that things around you are going to remain the same...and the earlier you realize this, the better it is going to be for you...and now i am at par with this fact...
And what else, hmm  i have become hell of a lazy person here...one who has been mechanically programmed into a daily routine and who just does not want to do any thing else, anything new...am giving out reasons for not doing every small thing you can ask for...
But what's the best part,you can spend your hard earned money as you wish :P (well technically it is actual hard earned money...imagine you get paid for studying...how much more wierd can it get)..But the feeling of buying a present for your mom or dad with it is just awesummm!!! The feeling just cannot be expressed in words, the happiness you get...the satisfaction you feel...so i'm really enjoying this part for sure:):)...
Nyways signing off for now...(hopefully this will work in the cuming days also)

change

While the change is unquantified and unknown yet, this time it starts with loads of expectations, some hope, some pain, and much determination at its base...  
i just want a little strength..

Extra-ordinary life...

'The heights by great men,

reached and kept,

were not attained by sudden flight.

But, they while their companions slept...

were toiling upwards in the night.'

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want to lead an extraordinary life....but 

when I have work to do...I spend my precious time in between palpitations worrying about how in the world I'll get it all done.

When I do sit down to work...I feel tired.

When I decide to take a break and enjoy...I spoil half my fun by thinking about the work I have to do.

When I do my work and focus...I fell like time is running out and even a propellor with the speed of light will not help me keep pace.

When I have an extra hour to work...I procrastinate.

Irresponsible. Irrepressible. Unfocussed. Indifferent. Unabashed.

How extra-ordinary I am.

why am i not toiling???

Stray thoughts...

It's been a while that I've been staring at this screen and can find nothing to say. I am listening to the soft music playing in the background. And observing. As if out of some divine order, I am supposed to just listen and observe. My mind doesn't have enough space to think and speak out or write. For a change (for better), I can say I was busy listening.

Watching the world through my eyes, understanding through my experiences and expressing through my opinions, I had had enough of it. Well, everyone thinks - what he says, thinks or does is right. And he will do anything, fabricate any reason to justify the righteousness of his words, thoughts and actions. But then suddenly some day, something changes when you look at the world from inside someone else and you find that it's a completely different place. Its a Strange place!!!

I had had my views and my opinions. I wanted to see someone else's views and understand someone else's opinions. But can do only the first part. i think i'm too arrogant to accept or perhaps even understand the other half. Well, it's not enough to know what a person thinks. What makes that person think that way, where are those thoughts arising from, what is the source of those ideas - without knowing answers to these, understanding is not complete.

People disagree even though they are right. People agree even though they are wrong. We often misunderstand different points of view as disagreement, a scalene geometry of thoughts - incompatible. Thinking 'in' different directions and thinking 'from' different directions are two different things. Thinking in different directions broadens the horizons of thought, and thinking from different directions strengthens the base of an idea. Now whether this is a strength or weakness really depends on how the formula is applied.

It's instinctive trying to possess something dear. Letting go is tough, when time snatches it away from you. That's the test of large hearts - how much, how big, how dear they can let go without getting bothered. The cliche goes 'Rich is he who has nothing to lose' - theoretically. But we all have something dear which we never want to lose - a person, an idea, a place or a laptop or an iPod or maybe some fond memories. Divided into these things, people, places and ideas - we cannot let go and it's hard for us to recover from their loss, which is the inevitability time makes us confront one day or the other.

Happy B'day Random Thoughts...

Ok..officially this blog becomes an year old today...seriously speaking i never thought it would last this long..(not that i don't like writing; i luv it; but because am just  too lazy).. 

I know there are really dormant periods when i seem to be neglecting it altogether..or there are periods like this when i feel like posting everyday..

All i do is  try to put words together,to somehow make sentences and give shape to the vagueness of my random thoughts..

This is the place where I look for answers, i am the seeker or at times  the sought, i am the thinker or  the thought at times..this is where my thoughts fly, a place that allows me to be angry, allows me to be elated, allows me to learn, allows me to be sad...this is a place to evolve This is the place for me to be just me...:)

happy B'day!!!